❶ = Sketch
❷ = Lineart
❸ = Base colours
❹ = Shading
❺ = Edits, effects, fixing, and so on.
✍ = Currently working on.
☹ = On hold.
7. *hayden-desu (...)
8. ~MiaKa-CiD (...)
9. *PhoenixRoy (...)
10. *Oizofu01; ~manseyful (...)
2. *darthmadigan Finished ✔ [link]
3. =Chloeeh Finished ✔ [link]
4. ~Km92 Finished ✔ [link]
5. =Hanatan Finished ✔ [link]
6. =zhusanna Finished ✔ [link]
7. ~Lineith Finished ✔ [link]
8. *HimekoHimemiya1313 Finished ✔ [link]
9. *Fimii Finished ✔ [link]
10. ~jOgArI-1030 Finished ✔ [link]
It feels really awkward to look at my profile after being depressed again for weeks.
Hello, everyone. I'm back from the typical depressive periods I get every once in awhile. This time, it was frustration that evolved into depression, something I can't really do much about, and I wish I could. It's been around three months since I last updated my journal, and I bet most of you are impatient and wondering "What happened to her project?". I get mixed feelings by thinking, that also, most of you might be used to this. Making new projects and then leaving them in oblivion. This might be a little long so, please endure with me, I have many things to report to all of you after so much time of absence.
It's been what? Three months?
Guys, thank you for all your messages! Sorry for the delay, but I assure you I'm touched by all of them. I blurred the date and time because I'm too embarrassed.
Thank you, thank you!
I'm sorry. I've been having suicidal thoughts lately and I've just opted for laying on bed all day, watching series or whatever is on the TV, procrastinating and getting nothing done and just loathing myself and seeing no point in life.
Your messages remind me I am loved and appreciated by many people, so that gives me more reasons to stay with you.
I love you all, I love you.
I can't talk about this on deviantART since I feel as if it were a much more 'exposed' website, I'd be too embarrassed to post something like this in there. I don't want to worry anyone, I just want to be honest with what's happening with me. I thought this depression was over and it'd never haunt me again, but how wrong I was. So more than anything, I'm immensely disappointed of myself.
Sadly, I haven't gotten any actual work done this past weeks, on top of everything, I've been suffering from allergies and such for two months already. All of this just makes me hate myself all the more, because it's not like I got much done when I 'was not' depressed.
As for the dōjinshi…
After the last time you heard about it from me and from InstantKarma83, all I've been doing is constant studying and looking up for references. I've learnt a lot and found many, many useful things. Búbú (InstantKarma83) even complimented me on my progress.
But this month, mainly this past weeks, haven't been all that good. This depression it's taking so much of me that I've avoided talking with Búbú this past days. I feel really bad because we were so excited about this teamwork of us and what we were going to create together. I was so thankful and happy. But now I'm too embarrassed and full of anxiety, it hurts. I haven't contacted her in days and it's simply the worst thing, I just want to disappear from people's memories. So I'm very sorry I'm like this… I'm sorry I'm not what many of you thought I was.
Please, don't feel bad because of this post, that's last thing I want.
How should I start... I was very excited about it, like really, really excited and motivated. It had been years since I had felt that good, that journal I wrote was really honest. I was being ambitious and competitive again, it was kind of a frenzy that lasted for a couple of months. InstantKarma was just as excited and motivated, she always reassured me and talked about everything in the story. I even sketched the characters for her to see if they fitted what she had in mind, we even designed Sasuke's house, many things. I studied, studied, did research. I had never been this motivated. A lot happened and in those months I forgot to do any more updates on what we were up to. I have some stuff I started writing on Tumblr actually. I felt complete again, fine. InstantKarma and Lauraneato are amazing to work with, like just made for me. My memories aren't very clear, but I wrote some things about it, I think I could show you. But I was just so hyped up I really didn't mind the lack of privacy, I mean, I could wait, I was going to wait. I'd do it somehow... but I couldn't work at all if I didn't have my space. The room was rarely left alone. I got frustrated, I asked Búbú (InstantKarma) to be patient and that I was sorry. I managed to still sketch and do some more things with her, but then I just couldn't. I started to feel bad because everything started to disappear. I had to wait again... I guess you don't know, but I have this bad experience with waiting, it kills me if it's too much. I am patient but there's only so much I can endure. From then I started to sink into depression again, slowly. I don't recall the order of things well... but I don't know if you'd mind me sharing them with you.
"The reason, besides cowardice, I didn't take my life this past months, was thanks to this 'talent' of mine. Basically, the reason I decided not to try anything, even though I was immensely depressed, was because of my strong desire of wanting to make people happy with what I'm good at.
What I'm good at is drawing.
I have a few suicidal drafts in here, a few suicidal Word documents as well, where I state how I feel and my thoughts. Some of them I've been close to post, but the most I managed was "I don't want to leave any of you.", which of course, no one caught up on what I really meant. Of course, I don't like to be like this, I'm honestly tired of it. I'm sick of myself, most of the time I just ignore it, procrastinate, lay on bed. Waste myself all day.
I see absolutely no meaning in life, I think many things are pointless. I don't believe in things like a God. I've... never liked the idea of talking about this... It always seem to make people very uncomfortable or even make them angry, and that's not what I want to provoke."
So I sunk, because I couldn't do it any more, because I started self-doubting, the frustration was too much. I waited a lot. And as the time passed by more and more I grew more anxious and worried. December was really the worst. Ah, I had some more things on Tumblr, but I can't find. It's basically the same, immense frustration which drove me crazy. It was really heavy. December was when I started panicking while trying to fall asleep, I had to distract myself as much as possible. By January I got better, February wasn't so bad neither this month (March), even though I still have some suicidal thoughts I've learnt to deal better. Distraction or making myself laugh with whatever idiotic thing I find. Still, I am not okay. It's been more than half a year, I can't believe it, and the 'project' is stunted. So, when I visited my dA and dared to take a look at my journal, I got agitated.
It's a huge lack of motivation from my part, which ends up in more frustration, self-hate and self-doubting myself.
It was for me, it was something big for me. If I try getting back to it now I know it wouldn't be a good idea, there's not enough space of privacy, that's why I started wasting my days away too. Waiting. If I try giving an update after more than half a year, what would I say? how would they react? Would I make it worse for myself? I get anxious, my breathing increases. Also, how could I do something so big without enough energy and drive. And think and hate, and compare myself to others. Like I see other people my age or even younger that have put their life together way easily than me, why do I have to be back to this person, I was so happy being ambitious and competitive again, I could not feel fear or self-doubt.
This person is working, this person is active, this person is taking hir life in its own hands and directing it towards hir dreams. This person could do simple little doodles but hir attitude and hard work would inspire me and at the same time crush me, because why can't I do the same, why do I keep drowning in this? I've felt bad when someone tells me to get over it, but I also feel out of time. Isn't my situation pretty simple? Why is that I can't handle it. I've noticed I can deal much better when I have my own space... but right now I shouldn't be by myself. It's hard for my sister to understand the situations, sometimes, even if scared of dying, I can't stop thinking I should better hurt myself.
It's really big for me (referring to LID) because there isn't anything else going on for me, others have their hobbies and every day activities. My life revolves around drawing and this fandom. So when there's something that puts a stop to it I end up hating myself for allowing it in the first place, I hate the situation not being any different. I feel out of time. I don't want this to appear stupid... so I got embarrassed, but not being able to sleep, having nightmares, waking up sweating, those days were bad.I kept it to myself as much as possible, it ate me away. I couldn't let anyone know. I felt as if I had disappointed everyone.
I don't think you're a perfect being, though I do feel you handle things with more dignity, plus you're much older than me. Which makes me feel it invalidates everything I might be going through. I don't want to make you feel bad with all of this, if it's too much we could stop this and just... we'll just go and do whatever we have to.